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You are NOT Worthy

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 So, I am listening to a new audible book called Worthy, by Jamie Kern Lima.  First let me say this is a good read/or audible book.  I would, however, suggest it for women younger than me.  Being 66, I wondered where something like this was when I was in my 30's.  But it has really made me look inward. I was raised by my Grandmother for the most part.  My Grandfather, a wonderful man, died too young leaving me with my Grandmother, who I affectionately refer to as Atilla the Hun.   She instilled into me the belief that I was not worthy of anything. And, it started young.  My mother and father were married, and the following is the only information that I have about that time. Prior to me, my mom was pregnant with twin boys, my mother says she fell down the steps and my grandmother said my father said she was drunk and fell down the steps, which led to them not surviving too long after childbirth.  I guess next, I came along, and when I as...
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FIND the JOY

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 This morning I was listening to The Secret on Audible.  I haven't listened to it in quite a while and it was close to the end of the book and it talked about finding Joy.  I mean, what is life is there is no Joy in it. And this constant diet life that I have been on, for most of my adult life gives me no joy. So how to I find the Joy in my nutritional path, one where I like food and still loose weight.  But even more so get healthy - feel better. Let's face it - I am 66 - I heard this morning that the average date of death right now is 77 - so I got 11 years left to find some joy in this f***ing life.  And why did I say it like that - well, lately it has been getting harder.  They say I need new knees, but  I am to fat to get them. Then I need a shoulder replacement, but I need my arms to get around - take one away from me and I am not getting off the toilet.   Lately I have been having trouble with medications and that brought me down....
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Well, I threw my hands up in the air like I just don't care

 I give up.  I surrender to the gods of fat.  After a year and 17 days on the diet with Lehigh Valley Bariatrics I have called it quits.  I lost 25 pounds which calculates out to 0.0655 of a pound a day.  I guess you can really call it losing weight slow.  I feel like I am wasting everyone's time.  The doctor, the dietician and mine.   I feel upset, sad and could cry easily when I think about it.  But, lets face it, I am never going to be able to get knee surgery.  I can't get my weight down far enough.   Yes, we tried wellbutrin for my depression and weight loss and that was a mess. Can't get any of the shots - unless I pay for them - and I can't rationalize putting money out to pay for this medicine when I have bills to pay Next they wanted me to take an appetite supessant - side effects were as bad as wellbutrin  So yeah I give up. Not so much on myself but on losing a great amount of weight -  I will keep try...
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When the medication backfires

 So - the Fat Doctor, as I like to call her gave me medication a few months ago for depression, a side effect is weight loss. (Wellbutrin)   It worked for a bit, but after two months or so, side effects started happening.  First constipation.  For a woman who goes regularly to the bathroom this was discerning at first.  I used stool softeners but it was an on going problem.  Then the tremors started. These were highly uncomfortable.  I would splash coffee and was unable to hold my Sunday Bulletin in church.  But then came the numbness to life in general - I didn't care.  I had more anxiety and I had a meltdown.   It was almost like it supressed all my feelings, including happiness. So I told her and I had to come off gradually - which also made me sick a bit - but I think I am back now.  I feel a little more happier - a little more stable - and hopefully I won't become depressed again. Something about my diet makes me depr...
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Seeing the Fat Doctor

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 So today I had to pay the piper for the month of celebrating my birthday - actually it wasn't to bad - I gained 1 pound.  Could have been a lot worse.   I am having trouble walking due to my tendinitis of my hip.  So walking has been out, but I did start doing yoga more often.  The doctor set 3 goals for me - drink my water - do yoga 2 times a week and start tracking my food again. Yes, I lost 15 pounds right away doing this but what happens is I have been doing this for months, and months and it just seem endless.  I really need to get a new mindset.  The diet mentality does not work. What I have to do is tell myself is that I weigh 145 - I have no trouble loosing weight, that weight just melts off of me.   Yes, I physically must do the other stuff - but I need to be more positive about it.   I guess the hard thing for me right now is that it is boring - but I have started reading about herbal medicine and I realize my eating...
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OUT OF CONTROL

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 Help, I have eaten and I cannot stop.  Well, sort of.  Stepped on the scale this morning and holy gain weight batman.  My Birthday Celebration of much food and cake finally caught up with me.  IT is now September 1 so I need to shake off the cake - however, I just ate a piece of candy (ouch).   So where did I go wrong - I turned 68, LOL - I celebrate the whole month and I did not cook 1 meal last weekend and basically ate leftovers all week - not healthy. Not healthy at all. So back on the protein bus - eat my veggies - be mindful, It is easy? No it is not.  I wish there was a way to eat cake and loose weight.  If I come across it I will let you know.   Yoga is helping my joints so much - also I have added some herbal supplements that are suppose to help arthritis - I will share those with you all on the weekend. I notice when I walk that I walk like an old lady - bent over and wabble - this needs to stop! In the meantime, have a r...
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Corpse Post - Yoga

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  Last night I started my yoga with the corpse pose,  I used it to release the tension in my shoulders and hip.  I didn't really get to meditate in the pose only because BF was in the room and the tv was on - but I was relaxing the shoulder and hip that have been hurting and today I feel so much better.  I recommend to always start simple.  Don't go flying into anything quickly, especially with yoga poses.  You could do more harm than good.   The only thing was I needed BF to help me up - but I plan on doing it again tonight and maybe the rest of the week if possible.  On the weekend I will add more poses and exercises for the hip and shoulder.  Meanwhile, the diet has to get back on track.  IT was MY BIRTHDAY weekend and needless to say, I left no carb behind.  So back to the basics.  Protein shake for breakfast!   Have a great day, Namaste - here is some information on the Corpse pose. How to do the Corpse...
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