You are NOT Worthy

 So, I am listening to a new audible book called Worthy, by Jamie Kern Lima.  First let me say this is a good read/or audible book.  I would, however, suggest it for women younger than me.  Being 66, I wondered where something like this was when I was in my 30's.  But it has really made me look inward.

I was raised by my Grandmother for the most part.  My Grandfather, a wonderful man, died too young leaving me with my Grandmother, who I affectionately refer to as Atilla the Hun.  

She instilled into me the belief that I was not worthy of anything. And, it started young. 

My mother and father were married, and the following is the only information that I have about that time.

Prior to me, my mom was pregnant with twin boys, my mother says she fell down the steps and my grandmother said my father said she was drunk and fell down the steps, which led to them not surviving too long after childbirth.  I guess next, I came along, and when I asked once, for a school project, how did I get the name Beverly, I was  told, that no one wanted to name me, so my Aunt Anne (father's sister) named me Beverly Anne.  Excuse me, no one wanted to name the cute little baby. I guess this little gift from God, was not worthy of a name.

I never met my father, thanks to Atilla the Hun, she told me later that she thought it was better that way.

Gee thanks.  I wish my father would have at least reached out once to me - I did write him but gave him the option, which in hindsight I should not have, to just return the letter, in the envelope I provided and then I would not contact him again.  My heart fell to inner earth the day the envelope came, praying for just a note inside.  Some of sort of recognition that I was his daughter and to my dismay - it was just returned which meant, that he did not want any contact with me.  Again I was not worthy.  This time of a father.

My early childhood was spent at my grandparents with my mom.  My grandparents made my mom and I sleep together, I wanted the back bedroom, I little room off to the side of the other bedroom. But again, I was not worthy of that room.  My grandmother stored spare clothes in the dressers and closets in that room.   I was not worthy of a room.  

When I was in the 4th Grade my mother left, leaving me with my grandparents.  It was a violent, traumatic night.  One I hope to never live again.  But it basically told me, I was now nor worthy of a mother either.  She left me behind.  

My mother, who hated sleeping with me, use to tell me there were monsters on the wall ready to eat me if I didn't go to sleep.  Then she would tell the monsters it was ok not to get me.  Now she is gone, I am left with those monsters.  I could not sleep at night - I would lay on my stomach, my hands balled up in to fist to hold my face up so I could breathe.  I would never ever dare to even look up at the walls, at those monsters, that were just waiting to rip me to shreds.  Not worthy of peace.

There are so many thing I could write about from this time - but the point I want to get across is so many people might not feel worthy because of they way they were raised.  Was is just a generation thing to make your kids feel bad.  My grandmother always yelled at me, she would say I will send you to your father, or I will send you to your mother, and tell you the truth I was game for that!  Get me out of there.

The teenage years were worse.  Oh yes they were.  I can't even count the number of times I was sat down and questioned about my sex life - something that did not exist for years!  I didn't even understand what or how sex happened until after high school when I was dating my future husband.  But starting around 15 I would be asked questions that basically scared the shit out of me.   I would be asked out stuff I didn't even understand, accused over and over and over of having sex with this guy or some other guy that might of just been a high school friend.  It was vulgar and degrading to me.  I wasn't even worthy to grow up and mature on my own.

I had a cousin that was jealous of me, let me tell you, he had nothing to be jealous of.  I would of traded my life in heart beat.

Oh - I got more to write - but I will stop for now.  I guess there will be a part 2.  My point right now is watch what you say and do to children - I don't know if how I was raised was natural - I know I tried not to raise my son that way, I am sure I failed along way.  But I know I am worthy even though everything dealt to me in this life makes me feel that I am not.  But let see where this leads me.

Watch for part 2, namastay a while.

Love you