Feeling Midnight Blue
Good Day my readers. Today I share some feelings I am having - they make me feel midnight blue. I decided to go to the crayola sight and look a hues of blue to determine my mood, LOL; and midnight it was.
I need to get a grip on my emotions, they are currently all over the place and if I can't get them under control I can't get my weight, my life and even my work in order.
I feel that I need to ground myself, center myself in my space. I need to heal from the inside out, become whole again.
I am a Reiki Master, and I know how to do these things, but life gets in the way. It is just like finding time to read the Bible, to pray and to meditate on God's word. All these things get kicked away by meetings, problems, commitments and plain old laziness. Time to stop making excuses.
But why do I feel midnight blue. I feel unloved. Intimate love. I have the love of friends and God. I have the love of the best dog ever and my mom. But I don't have the arms around me intimate love. Not that I don't have a significant other, I do. But for years we have not been intimate in a sexual way or in a hugging and kissing way. I thought it wouldn't affect me as it has because I am older. But I was wrong. Last night SO (significant other) was writing to other woman on his computer - now I have hacked his computer in the past so I am essentially locked out of it but now I found a sneakier way to look - I use my phone to take a picture, lol, But I should not have. I mean I know he does this stuff, and it hurts me. But he tells me that his medication cause ED and that the medications have taken all those feeling away. But then what is he sharing with these woman. You think he is talking football? I doubt it.
I should not have looked because it hurt me inside.
I remember when I was young I prayed and prayed for love - for true love to come and get me out of my house. I lived with my grandmother, Attila the Hun and I wasn't allowed to date. I was constantly being accused of having sex with boys. Truth be told I didn't have sex until I was 18 and then it was with the man that would be my husband. I thought it was love and I did escape Attila. But it wasn't love - it was a means to escape, so that marriage did not work. Then it was on to men, lots of men, but none were Mr. right. Then there was a Mr. Right. The love of my life. Came in like a knight on a white horse. First there was the right and then we bought a house together and then he decided I was not Miss Right.
Hurt
Then the was the Black Knight that came along. He knew love, and sex. And how to be attentive, to help and I was happy again. But I could never give this Knight all the love he wanted - he was needy, like me but I also had a dedication to God and my church and he couldn't understand that - he did not want to share and it ended.
Hurt.
There were some that lied, some that were cheaters. and then there was the SO - and there was love again. But 18 years I guess has just took that love and made it just an everyday thing.
There in no inside love. It is empty. So, I need to fill it with a self love, love of God and all the things around me.
I learned a long time ago, that if you want flowers, you need to plant them. Don't expect someone to give them to you. My grandfather said it best. He showed me how to do some plumbing and he said "you never know if you are going to find a man, so you should learn these things." Wise words.
Why don't we feel complete without these things. I don't know and that's what I plan on working on.
I think I have been using food as love. I think we need to break up, LOL
Time to find me.
Time to love me.
Namastay
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| Midnight blue |
I need to get a grip on my emotions, they are currently all over the place and if I can't get them under control I can't get my weight, my life and even my work in order.
I feel that I need to ground myself, center myself in my space. I need to heal from the inside out, become whole again.
I am a Reiki Master, and I know how to do these things, but life gets in the way. It is just like finding time to read the Bible, to pray and to meditate on God's word. All these things get kicked away by meetings, problems, commitments and plain old laziness. Time to stop making excuses.
But why do I feel midnight blue. I feel unloved. Intimate love. I have the love of friends and God. I have the love of the best dog ever and my mom. But I don't have the arms around me intimate love. Not that I don't have a significant other, I do. But for years we have not been intimate in a sexual way or in a hugging and kissing way. I thought it wouldn't affect me as it has because I am older. But I was wrong. Last night SO (significant other) was writing to other woman on his computer - now I have hacked his computer in the past so I am essentially locked out of it but now I found a sneakier way to look - I use my phone to take a picture, lol, But I should not have. I mean I know he does this stuff, and it hurts me. But he tells me that his medication cause ED and that the medications have taken all those feeling away. But then what is he sharing with these woman. You think he is talking football? I doubt it.
I should not have looked because it hurt me inside.
I remember when I was young I prayed and prayed for love - for true love to come and get me out of my house. I lived with my grandmother, Attila the Hun and I wasn't allowed to date. I was constantly being accused of having sex with boys. Truth be told I didn't have sex until I was 18 and then it was with the man that would be my husband. I thought it was love and I did escape Attila. But it wasn't love - it was a means to escape, so that marriage did not work. Then it was on to men, lots of men, but none were Mr. right. Then there was a Mr. Right. The love of my life. Came in like a knight on a white horse. First there was the right and then we bought a house together and then he decided I was not Miss Right.
Hurt
Then the was the Black Knight that came along. He knew love, and sex. And how to be attentive, to help and I was happy again. But I could never give this Knight all the love he wanted - he was needy, like me but I also had a dedication to God and my church and he couldn't understand that - he did not want to share and it ended.
Hurt.
There were some that lied, some that were cheaters. and then there was the SO - and there was love again. But 18 years I guess has just took that love and made it just an everyday thing.
There in no inside love. It is empty. So, I need to fill it with a self love, love of God and all the things around me.
I learned a long time ago, that if you want flowers, you need to plant them. Don't expect someone to give them to you. My grandfather said it best. He showed me how to do some plumbing and he said "you never know if you are going to find a man, so you should learn these things." Wise words.
Why don't we feel complete without these things. I don't know and that's what I plan on working on.
I think I have been using food as love. I think we need to break up, LOL
Time to find me.
Time to love me.
Namastay
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